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2020 has been difficult for a lot of us. So much that every day, we wake up in hopes of not having to hear another piece of devastating news. As if COVID-19 was not enough to take away so many of our loved ones from us and make us live in constant fear and disbelief, in India, there were natural disasters like Amphan and Nisarga that took away people’ houses and hopes. Then there were job losses and company shutdowns. Worldwide, the economy is in ruins, and staying locked up in the house, only waking up to updated statistics of devastation, doesn’t help one’s mental health either.
Kasvi Malik, who happened to find herself alone in her apartment without her family or friends, had all hell break loose on her when Manila, where she lives, was struck with a 5.5 magnitude earthquake. But that was not all. There was a volcanic eruption, a community quarantine, an “enhanced community quarantine”, and shooting orders from the President for flouting the rules!
At this point, all of us have pretty much accepted that 2020 is as terrible as ‘terrible’ can get. However, Kasvi refuses to submit to this narrative and gives us enough reason to not give in to it either.
This is an explanation you wouldn’t want to miss out on, so, here’s Kasvi, in her own words.
Yep, She Is That B*tch!
To be clear: 2020 has been… problematic, to say the least.
A few weeks ago, I woke up on a Sunday to a bag of mixed emotions: Instagram notifications that one of the fitness trainers I have idolised for five years and who has inspired so much of my work, spent at least a few minutes of her Saturday night stalking lil old insignificant me. Before I could geek out about it though, I received a flurry of messages asking if I’d felt the 5.5 magnitude earthquake that hit Metro Manila around 3 am, and also ... wait for it... it was snowing in New York City! In May. Which is still technically spring but for all intents and purposes, feels like summer (at least in the Northern Hemisphere and on Instagram).
But I digress. 2020 has been a lot to deal with for the world, courtesy, the uninvited guest who has stormed into all our lives and is making herself very comfortable. Much like Regina George from Mean Girls, she is that b*tch!
Unlike so many, I’m privileged to be weathering this storm in relative physical comfort and safety, for which I am grateful every day. But, it’s been tough nonetheless. I live in Manila, Philippines. Since January, we have experienced a volcanic eruption that evacuated millions and rendered them homeless, ashfall across all 16 cities that comprise Metro Manila, a ‘community quarantine’ to flatten the COVID-19 curve, an “enhanced community quarantine” (complete with curfews and power-tripping cops who harass and follow you for walking or running outdoors even while maintaining social distancing and wearing a mask), and orders from the President to shoot anyone on sight for flouting the rules.
If this was a lot, I must also mention, I recently turned 27 which we all know (or at least they would like to believe) is the beginning of the end.
And this is just on the surface, what Eckhart Tolle calls your ‘life-situation’, that is, the superficial layer of labels and things that we think define us. It’s notwithstanding the emotional and mental roller coaster of personal successes, failures, and generally navigating adulthood while trying to do your best.
Without a doubt, it’s been a challenging year for all of us and we aren’t even halfway through it. I know that many have it worse, but here’s me: as of this writing, I have been quarantined for 74 days by myself in my 42 square meters studio apartment. Overnight, all the anchors that made Manila home for me were stripped away: I can’t have my weekly wine & cheese slumber party with my friends who are my family here or go to my favourite overpriced restaurant with them. I can’t go out for a run around my neighbourhood or get coffee at my favourite café. I don’t have any roommates (save the odd cockroach I don’t have the nerve to kill) and can’t get on a flight to go quarantine with my family in New Delhi (OK, Gurgaon).
I have tried to stay strong and optimistic, which for me, meant being in denial about the fact that I miss human touch and interaction. Like most of you, I have gone through the cycle of making this a productivity contest. I set ambitious goals for what I wanted to achieve coming out of this quarantine, started out strong only to be lured off track by K-dramas (honestly though, if you haven’t already, watch Crash Landing On You) and Jamie Oliver videos, berated myself for not being disciplined, withdrawn from loved ones in a ball of anxiety and as of a few days ago, finally come to terms with it all. While I am grateful for the love and support that’s been extended from surprising sources, I’ve been disappointed by the lack of it from those I wanted it most from. All this to basically say: I could really do with a hug.
The earthquake news hit me hard. I’m still recovering from the PTSD of the 6.1 magnitude earthquake in April 2019 that left cracks in my walls and that I thought was going to kill me in my 22nd-floor apartment. A year later, I’m still undecided on what was more traumatic – seeing my entire apartment sway the water swished out of the toilet so violently, the memory of running down twenty-two floors to the sound of the walls cracking around me, or the sleepless nights that followed for months out of fear of the aftershocks. I slept with an emergency bag and a pair of shoes by the door for three months afterwards. Talking about it has been hard, writing about it today is even worse, but I think shining a light on it is a step in the right direction. Still, I do not feel ready to pack an emergency bag before bed tonight. 2020, have mercy.
2020 Is Bad, But It Doesn’t S*ck
Despite the anxiety, uncertainty and resentment that I’ve felt this year, I still cannot bring myself to say the words “2020 s*cks” and should be written off. Because that would mean succumbing to the idea that 2020 is in the driver’s seat of my life. It’s true that at the moment, I can’t control several elements of my life-situation, but my internal dialogue remains very much in my control and dictates how I react to all the turmoil around me. And, there is growth to be experienced there too.
So, no, pandemics, earthquakes, and cockroaches will not drive me to write off an entire year or even half a year of my life. 2021 will not be a do-over year for me. Yes, 2020 has been rough, and we’ll live to tell quite a story about it but it’s only halfway over. There are six – six more months for us to change the narrative of this year. I mean, it took less than two months of a global lockdown for Mother Nature to partially forgive us. If she can come around, even temporarily, after the decades of abuse we’ve unleashed on her, surely, we as a people can forgive a few months of being bored in the house being in the house bored!
Taking Control Of Our Narratives
So, my request to you is that, wherever you are and whomever you are quarantined with, spend the rest of 2020 building your resilience, learning to leverage what you can control, and accept what you can’t because our perspective is critical to how we deal with this. Personally, I’m muting stories, unfollowing accounts, and not replying to texts from exes (friends or otherwise) if that’s what it takes for me to stay calm and keep the anxiety at bay. I might even deactivate my Netflix account (JK, my mom is doing that because she’s just discovered she’s been paying for it for the past two years). But, you get my drift. You do you, but stay mindful of how your words, thoughts, and posts impact the way you deal with this pandemic.
2020 has been Weird with a capital ‘W’ but who knows! In six months we could be calling it a ‘Win’, at least personally, if not economically. I mean, stranger things have happened. We will suffer together, overcome together, and thrive together in due time. But first, we must take control of our narratives.
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